What if you (or I) get misgendered while on our date?
I’m not actually worried about this at all, but I do deeply appreciate the proactive care for my comfort displayed by this question. I also deeply empathize with the kind of anxiety that a fear of being misgendered can bring up for you if you are gender non-conforming yourself.
Believe it or not, I’m misgendered more often in NYC than any other place in the world. (And I’ve traveled to four continents!)
When I’m out with a man, the chances of my being misgendered is actually reduced because it’s clear to observers via my dress, hair, or movements that I am at least some kinda queer even if they don’t immediately view me as a trans woman. Since so many people are so aggressively conditioned to see straightness by default, they’ll see us as a straight couple when I’m with you. (Yeah, they are literally just thinking “if that’s the man, the other one is the woman.” I know, I know….)
For most dates, I don’t expect to have much interaction with others besides you during our time together, which also limits the possibility of either of us being misgendered in the first place.
When it does happen to me, I’m not particularly offended and I don’t usually feel a need to correct anyone unless it’s persistent, intentional, or contextually relevant. (At the end of the day, there are really only two genders that matter to me: will you fuck me, or not? ;)
Even in the worst case of blatant transphobia, I’m very confident I can deescalate the situation. In that case, you and I can just go have our own fun and leave the haters to wallow in their self-imposed hateful misery.
That all said, one of the best ways of doing this in the case of a genuine error someone makes unwittingly is to assert the correction via example. Say our server at the restaurant greets us with, “Welcome, gentlemen, what will we be having for dinner tonight?” Instead of saying, “well, actually, she’s not a man,” try, “hi there! Would you give me and the lady a moment to look over the menu?”
Implicitly acknowledging their entire statement while making the correction explicit like this is usually enough to clue most people in. It also does so without calling them out in an uncomfortable way or making them feel bad. Unless you communicate different preferences to me about how to support you in the event someone misgenders you, this is also how I’ll default to handling the situation on your behalf.
It’s possible that someone we need to interact with might still not get it after they’re handed these clues. This means they are either ignorant, hopelessly oblivious, or malicious. In any case, a touch more exemplary reinforcement either works or it becomes pretty clear what the issue is, and we can take it from there.
It may also help to remember that in many environments, there tends to be a social contract around politeness which is usually too strong for many people to openly break. Servers especially also don’t want to risk genuine retribution in the form of a manager complaint or other conflict, all of which usually keeps people at least tolerable if not always welcoming.
But most important of all, remember that I won’t be caring about any of this nearly as much as I’ll be caring about paying attention to you and enjoying spending time with you. If something like this rises to the level where I need to speak up about it, I’ll let you know and I trust we can pivot and still enjoy ourselves. Likewise, I invite you to always tell me when you are uncomfortable or if something in our environment is making it difficult for you to have fun during our date.
